As Father’s Day is winding down here, I’d just like to say that my dad sucks. I haven’t talked to him in years, and to be honest, I can’t help but laugh at the absent-fatherness of it all. Father’s Day for me is a mixture of sadness and apathy. I accept that my dad is not a good dad. I’m an adult, I can pay my own bills, and I do not need him or his support. If I need to vent about something from my childhood, I’ll just go to therapy. But what I will do right now is use his dumbassery as an excuse to give you my TOP FIVE VIDEO GAME DADS THAT FUCKING SUCK
1. Cranky Kong
This asshole beats people with his cane. I don’t care if Cranky is literally his name, that is no excuse to be a goddamn curmudgeon. Also, who gave this animal a science degree? As much as I believe you can go back to school at any age to fulfill your dreams, his science looks real suspect. He’s turning gorillas into rhinos, making little chimps fly…something is not right here. Donkey Kong (who is Cranky’s grandson, or son, or maybe his father I have no clue anymore) picks Cranky up and carries him to the banana horde at the end of Donkey Kong 64. I did not once hear the prick say thank you.
2. King Rhoam Bosphoramus Hyrule
Go to Hyrule and read this dude’s library. He’s scolding children for liking science! He’s yelling at his teenage daughter because she likes artifacts and because she can’t get some weird magic to unleash inside of her! This is a controlling father who doesn’t understand that being a teenager means you think you’re an adult when you’re still the furthest from it. This dude got a big head from being king and tried to pressure Zelda into doing whatever he said. And right before this jerk can even apologize to Zelda for his controlling ways, he dies. I’ve only got one thing to say to that:
3. Tom Nook
Tom Nook the type of dad to ask you, the child with no job, for money. I know Tom Nook isn’t actually a father (as far as we know), but he does ask for a lot of money from someone who just gets off of a train, and he’s got his two nephews helping out with his sales. My theory is that Nook is so awful to work with that he could only get his young nephews to do it (which means they couldn’t say no). This isn’t one of those dads trying to make as much money to make the family’s life better. You know as soon as you give this tanuki some money he’s going out and buying himself a new t.v. that no one else can use.
4. Ness’ Dad
Father? More like Farther, because we have no clue where the hell this dad is. We got bonafied absentee father who thinks a few phone calls a month is equivalent to growing up with a dad. The worst part is that Ness can’t even get a word in on the conversation. There’s some theory that Ninten might by Ness’ old man. Well I don’t give a shit. Where the hell is he and why is he not taking care of his kids when he knows Giygas and Porky are out here bullying his son?
Those “are you a squid? Are you a kid?” jokes may be cute, but nothing is more serious than an octopus lying to his family for years about his species. This family is built off lies. Octodad is playing the long con here, pretending to be a human. This is beyond catfishing. This is Octopusing (that sounds filthy). If this man truly loved his family, he would tell his wife and kids straight up that he’s an octopus. And honestly, I think a paternity test is in order here. (Note: This may be the only father on my very short list where the father actually admits his faults and the family forgives him, but because it is father’s day, I am not going to forgive him for lying in the first place.)
So as the day is ending, and we’re seeing all these Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram posts about great fathers out there, let’s make fun of these asshole dads who are at least fictional and are not hurting any real kid’s childhood.