LINK HOLDS HIS PEE AND YOU CAN’T TELL ME OTHERWISE

Link peed in there.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (BOTW) taught me a lot of things about Link: One: He’s a chef; Two: His skin doesn’t prune even when he’s sitting in water for a century; Three: He holds in his pee. Number two is mostly a joke, but numbers one and three are unequivocally facts.

Now, games like to emulate real life only when it’s convenient. Video game characters will eat only to replenish their health, but it’s not like their actually hungry. In BOTW, Link can make anything from hot mushrooms on a stick to a vegetable risotto. He does this with—at most—four ingredients and—at most—one pot. And nary a knife in sight.

Sure, some games, like The Sims, will try to simulate the grosser parts of life, but Link is usually excluded from that. He’s an adventurer, not a pooper!

But this iteration of Zelda differs from any others in the fact that the world feels more expansive and detailed. Things like weather and temperature change. Link can explore almost every place on the map. He can even enter the final boss at the beginning of the game if he feels like getting his ass kicked as soon as he wakes up for a century long, probably concussed sleep.

So I ask, in a world where Link can slip and fall off mountain edges when it’s raining, in a land where Link can freeze or overheat depending on what he’s wearing, in a time where even the moon can dictate what happens to the world…why can’t Link pee?   

It’s clear that the boy is holding it in. It’s obvious that the reason why there are so many rainy days in BOTW is so Link can pee without anyone noticing. Why not just give him a toilet? They’ve given him everything else.

You know how I know he pees? In Skyward Sword, Link can sit on the toilet. And when he gets off it…it flushes.

Very few games incorporate urinating unless for comical purposes. For example, in No More Heroes, otaku and weird assassin Travis Touchdown uses the bathroom to save the game. Even in Animal Crossing, villagers can sit on the toilet and it’ll flush. There’s so much hinting at the inevitable, but no confirmation. I know these characters take dumps! Just let me see them do it!

So I’m telling Nintendo to let Link shit or get off the pot. Let Link unzip his pants and let it go. If Link can make salmon meunière then he can clearly make salmon manure. I’m not asking to see Link’s genitals, because that is inappropriate. What I am asking however is to show me the Hero of Time taking a piss.